Day 34 of 365.
I thought today was gonna be an ordinary day. I was chatting with friends and suddenly my best friend told me that one of our friends is having hints of suicide. I was shocked at first then speechless after. I always don’t know how to react or what to say in these kind of situations. Whenever someone opens up to me about this kind of things, I usually just listen to the person and ask what I can do to help them.
The next day, I told about the incident to my other friend and after telling her the story, her initial reaction was “We are all like that (suicidal), you are the only person in the group who is not”. That left me speechless. She kept talking on and on about it, saying things like “Welcome to the millennial era, it is really tempting but I only have thoughts. I don’t act upon it”.
Just woah right? So I ask her, I tried to make her feel that I’m not insensitive, that I am just curious why she said those things about me, not being suicidal. Then her answer was, “maybe because in our group you are the most stable, in life and in general and you have this clear vision that it is wonderful to be alive” .
I don’t really know what to feel about the conversation, then we ended up talking about her thoughts, why does she have those dark days. She said that “I know there are good things coming up in my life but Im not excited about it, I do not look forward about those things. Imagine having to feel that everyday.” In case you didn’t know, my friend and I are both bisexuals, thats why we ended up as well talking about not being out in our families, circle of friends and workplace.
Then suddenly I come up with something, I told her that “maybe most of my immediate family know that I’m gay, thats why I don’t have those kind of thoughts.” I never thought of ending my life (sorry if it sound insensitive). But really I haven’t. Then my friend replied “yes because you are surrounded by the people you love and accepted the way you wanted to be.”
Rejection is the opposite of acceptance. I didn’t know being rejected can drive you to end things. Am I that happy and contented with my life that I never thought that my friends are experiencing these kind of emotions? I don’t know how to end this story, because endings sucks. Life is always unfair right? (where did that came from? haha) I just want to drop these kind of convos here.
PS, I know the article sucks and it sounds insensitive in anyway but if you have any dark days, don’t hesitate to tell me. I will listen. I will be there. I promise.